Or maybe it's not...
I'm pretty hard on myself sometimes for having such a disastrous time dating. I joke that I date only for blog fodder. And I have a good laugh at the expense of those unfortunate enough to momentarily ensnare themselves in my data collecting web. But it bums me out that it all seems all for naught, and that I can't figure out what and when I want.
I mean, I guess it's hard because I am really having a great time in my life. I'm traveling, hanging out with friends, doing fun and extraordinary things with my time. I make a difference in the world sometimes, I climb hills sometimes, and I love my life all the time. And as much as I feel like I should want to be sharing it all with someone special, and as much as sometimes there's nothing I'd rather have happen to me right now than to fall crazy, madly in love, sometimes I just wish I could be as okay with the idea of being alone as I am actually being alone.
I know, I know. I'm contradicting myself. I want to fall in love, but I don't give myself a chance. I want to share my life, but I am all too eager to find fault with every boy I meet to give them a chance. This irony. I feel it on the inside too. I'm torn. I don't know if love is what I want while refusing myself the chance to find it. Or if I'd rather not have it, but can't accept that I could possibly not want it. Or maybe it's just that the right one or the right time just hasn't come my way. I don't know, don't know that I can know, and wish I was better at being okay with not knowing.
But I don't and I'm not, so I guess the wonder and the search will go on.
The end.
Politicizing the Pandemic
3 years ago
I do think you know what you want, but you are not ready to let go of what you have now because you are doing so many great things and having such a great time doing it, I too am facing the same problem, even though I am not dating, well, because I have finally got used to being alone and the idea of being alone. It does not mean that I don't want to fall in love again, it just means that I am content with my life now, just like you are. I think you have so much to offer to someone and you are such a beautiful person inside and out, that one day you will find that someone who is going to give you what you want in a mate or boy, it just might now come when you expect it too. In the mean time just keep on doing amazing things and having a good time doing it. I also feel that you are doing so much that you really don't have the time to think about being alone or the idea of being alone, maybe if you did have that time you would embrace the time you are alone. I also think you want to fall madly in love again but you are not just going to settle on something that is not within your expectations.
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