the missing piece

though they were his and not mine, "the missing piece" sums up how i feel about my boyfriend's place in my life more than any other words can. when i think about the jigsaw puzzle that's been my life - always - there's forever been a giant piece of empty right in the middle, nothing gluing all the parts together, nothing that makes everything else make sense. until now.

living here, then there, trying this then that, traveling here, going there, planning a life without a plan, spinning in circles with no anchor to give any of it meaning. i mean, it's been fun. i've had a blast. i've done so much, met so many people, seen wonderful and exotic places, tasted the soil in a dozen countries around the world. but i've always done it alone. and i guess it always seemed okay until he came along. cuz i guess i can't know something i've never had is missing.

but now i want to share everything with him, give everything to him, be everything with him. he is the bravest person i know, for he wears his heart on his sleeve as though he's got nothing to lose (it's amazing to me that scathed by love as he's been, he still holds nothing back and hands me his heart and soul without even the slightest hesitation). and i guess he can do that because he doesn't have anything to lose by entrusting his heart and soul to me. because i love him more madly than i ever dreamed humanly possible and his every expression of undying love is met equally by my own.

he makes me realize how wrong i ever was for not wanting a rational life, a rational love, a rational world. because he makes everything make sense that never did before he fell into his place in my puzzled life.

The end.

~k

The Weekend Getaway

My boyfriend and I spent this past weekend on a lake out in the boonies in his neck of the country, all tangled up in one another. It's so amazing to me to find myself more in love with him today than yesterday, every single day. Like, at what point do we hit a wall on love, or can it simply keep growing and growing and growing like this?

Whatever the case, I'm along for the ride. And I'm reveling in the fact that my definition of love up to now has been so inadequate. This thing I'm feeling now is like nothing I've ever known or even dreamed possible. I love and am loved as never before and I'm loving every second of it!

He is my life's greatest miracle, and what he brings into my world is my life's greatest gift.

The end.

~k

The Playlist

I talk about playlists sometimes over on notes, but've never really had cause to discuss them here. I mean, how often are we so moved by love that we seek the sentiments of others to put our own in perspective? For me, this is the second time in my life I've been so moved by love.

My boyfriend has been working on a playlist for me, so I thought it only fair I do the same in return. Two weeks ago, I closed my eyes, put all of my mind into [insert boyfriend's name], and hit shuffle. And I think I'm finished. Though I'll listen to it a few more times before I hand it off to him, it's on point.

I'm going through this crazy emotional wonderful roller coaster of falling in love with someone who is as mad for me as I am him. And even though my cautious friends, who seek to spare me another round of utter disappointment, don't get this love affair that's consuming my every breath, I know he's the one I've been waiting for.

And there is much, much more about him to come.

So not... the end.

~k

The Boyfriend

When I started this blog, I meant for it to be a forum for funny stories about all the douchey frogs we single gals kiss on the road to Prince Charming. And it has been. For me, for some of you, and for any of you who may want to share a funny story...

For some of us, it's also been a place for tales of woe, broken hearts, the slow steps moving on, and the fast pace of beginning again. After many arduous steps, I have begun again. And with a bang this time. I left everything that wasn't working on the left coast to start over on the other, and halfway there I met him.

There are many things I have and will say about him and how he makes me feel like I am the most amazing person in the entire world. And how I am doing any and every thing possible to make sure he feels the same.

But this is from the man who's stolen my heart for what I hope to be the last time, "...I have thought I couldn't love you more... But another day goes by and I do."

Rarely without a word to say, I often find myself rendered completely speechless by my boyfriend, whose honest expression of his own depth bewilders and inspires me.

He is the end.

~k

the pussery

long flights, a couple of ‘em in a row, give a girl a whole lotta time to think. and this particular girl, with so much going on, could use a little time to get stuck in her own head.

i haven’t slept in two weeks. it all started with the best wedding ever with a most unexpected pleasant encounter, followed by starting a new job in a new city whilst looking for a new mbs in a market of slim pickins, making travel and relocation arrangements from 3,000 miles away, all while learning a new trade and trying to maintain the old, and then paris guy…

before pleasant encounter, and in the midst of bridesmaid nostalgia, i sent an email to paris guy, admitting how much of a hole there is in my life without him. that maybe i was ready to reconsider my stubborn no-friends position. i mean, the blog fodder from such a relationship seems pretty close to priceless…

and just to be clear, we’re in safe territory for pleasant encounter or anyone else who comes along if he ends up bouncing. i’m a star. i’ve no interest in sharing my life with a wagon. my life is star-only territory!

paris guy emailed me today with a heartfelt barrage of pussery. for someone as self-reflective as him, i expected more. the gist of his email was basically that he no longer needed to feel any kind of regret for unilaterally ending our relationship and then not making any effort whatsoever to stop me from moving on. because.

wait for it.

i happened to be, coincidentally, and through nothing more than a sweet twist of fate, moving to the other coast.

de nile ain’t just a river in egypt…

and let’s face it, enough of us here know me well enough to know that i’ve a very low tolerance for pussery. i mean, this doesn’t change my position of wanting him in my life. i love him, there’s a place for him here. i miss my sunday morning buddy, having someone laid back and outside the circuit to talk to about social, political, economic, and current world affairs. someone who gets how deeply i wrestle with afghanistan and the israeli/palestinian conflict, and respects and admires my irrational personal responsibility for the affairs of the middle east. not to mention all the other at-home issues that plague my every day.

and it's so much more than just the politics...

but to seek comfort from the guilt of breaking my fucking heart by blaming it on something as asinine and unforeseen as the ‘better things he knew i’d soon have going on anyway’ is not a good way to go about rebuilding a bridge to my affections. and whilst it’s certainly not a deal-breaker, i am disappointed. and like i told him, i am not going to sit idly whilst he attempts to seek solace from his own regret without pointing out that he chose fear over hope, certainty over chance, and loneliness over me.

the end.

~k

The Great Conundrum

How is it possible to be so disinterested in something as complicated as a relationship with all its responsibilities, feelings, and commitments, and at the same time so lonely for love, companionship, and to be held by someone who understands me?

It doesn't make sense.

The end.

Ouch and Stuff

It sucks to be Hallway Boy because he won't stop calling, texting, and doing whatever he can on a fairly regular basis to get me to respond, and it's all to no avail.

You see, I don't give a shit about him. In fact, I think he might possibly be the biggest asshole I've ever met in my entire life, and I've no interest in ever speaking to him again. And all this time that he's putting himself out there to capture my gander, I smirk, smite, and snicker.

I know it's awful that it gives me such pleasure to know that it is driving him abso-fucking-lutely bananas that I haven't responded to his month-long attempts to get my attention, but let's be real. He deserves it.

And the best part about it is that I've never felt more powerful in all my life. So keep at it douchebag, cuz every single time you send me a text I'll never respond to, my ego grows a little bit bigger while yours shrinks a little bit smaller.

The end.

~k