feeling sorry for my love

I've been in the District for four months now (4.5 if you also count the transition weeks), which means that the novelty's had more than enough time to wear off. Thing is, once the novelty bounced out the door, I was left with absolutely nothing.

I don't like DC. I mean, how is it possible that I moved to the only city on the planet with a higher per-capita percentage of douchebags than the one I left? I work entirely too hard, as is the standard here in work-aholic-ville, and anyone who knows me knows that's sooooo not okay with my idea of the good life (I mean, helloooo, why do we all think I don't practice law anymore???). I have only one tier-one friend on this entire coast, and she's too busy being in love to be the support system that I had in LA.

And maybe I'm caught up in a little bit of the nostalgia that was my wonderful life on the music box steps. I mean, I had an amazing group of friends that would drop everything to run to my resuce in my time of need. I had a house full of love, good energy, and friendship. I had a life full of love, good energy, and friendship.

In DC, all I have is a job I hate a little bit more every day, an apartment half the size of the one I had on the music box steps for double the price, a boyfriend in another time zone, a train ride every day where I have to ask the clueless fucktards to give up their seat, and no support system to make up for all the sucks. It's like I'm trapped in a life I don't even want. And for how long, I don't know.

So my poor boyfriend is the one who gets to hear about all of my unappiness. And what can he do, but feel bad for me? Which makes me feel even worse because I'm bringing both of us down. And the most ironic part is that I'm so busy feeling sorry for me when we are talking, that I can't even let the one person in the entire world who makes me happier than I've ever been, get past my self-inflicted woes...

~k

missing him

I went to Turkey and then to Paris without my love. He long ago told me that October was a month we'd spend apart because he has a job that requires frequent tests for upward mobility, and October was to be the next. So I decided to travel, to keep my mind on something other than missing him.

And it totally didn't work. It was worse than it would've been here on the home front. Because I saw things I should've seen with him, met people I should've met with him, experienced things I should have experienced with him. Because now that he's in my life, I want to share everything with him. And everything I don't share with him is something that I only half experience.

It's crazy. All of it. I've been alone my whole life (even when I was married I was alone: traveled alone, spent family time alone, kept a piece of me to only me), but now, for the first time in my life, I'm lonelier alone than when I'm sharing my life. And it's all his fault, because he's the person I'm meant to share it all with.

And I want to. And the sooner the better.

~k

the missing piece

though they were his and not mine, "the missing piece" sums up how i feel about my boyfriend's place in my life more than any other words can. when i think about the jigsaw puzzle that's been my life - always - there's forever been a giant piece of empty right in the middle, nothing gluing all the parts together, nothing that makes everything else make sense. until now.

living here, then there, trying this then that, traveling here, going there, planning a life without a plan, spinning in circles with no anchor to give any of it meaning. i mean, it's been fun. i've had a blast. i've done so much, met so many people, seen wonderful and exotic places, tasted the soil in a dozen countries around the world. but i've always done it alone. and i guess it always seemed okay until he came along. cuz i guess i can't know something i've never had is missing.

but now i want to share everything with him, give everything to him, be everything with him. he is the bravest person i know, for he wears his heart on his sleeve as though he's got nothing to lose (it's amazing to me that scathed by love as he's been, he still holds nothing back and hands me his heart and soul without even the slightest hesitation). and i guess he can do that because he doesn't have anything to lose by entrusting his heart and soul to me. because i love him more madly than i ever dreamed humanly possible and his every expression of undying love is met equally by my own.

he makes me realize how wrong i ever was for not wanting a rational life, a rational love, a rational world. because he makes everything make sense that never did before he fell into his place in my puzzled life.

The end.

~k

The Weekend Getaway

My boyfriend and I spent this past weekend on a lake out in the boonies in his neck of the country, all tangled up in one another. It's so amazing to me to find myself more in love with him today than yesterday, every single day. Like, at what point do we hit a wall on love, or can it simply keep growing and growing and growing like this?

Whatever the case, I'm along for the ride. And I'm reveling in the fact that my definition of love up to now has been so inadequate. This thing I'm feeling now is like nothing I've ever known or even dreamed possible. I love and am loved as never before and I'm loving every second of it!

He is my life's greatest miracle, and what he brings into my world is my life's greatest gift.

The end.

~k

The Playlist

I talk about playlists sometimes over on notes, but've never really had cause to discuss them here. I mean, how often are we so moved by love that we seek the sentiments of others to put our own in perspective? For me, this is the second time in my life I've been so moved by love.

My boyfriend has been working on a playlist for me, so I thought it only fair I do the same in return. Two weeks ago, I closed my eyes, put all of my mind into [insert boyfriend's name], and hit shuffle. And I think I'm finished. Though I'll listen to it a few more times before I hand it off to him, it's on point.

I'm going through this crazy emotional wonderful roller coaster of falling in love with someone who is as mad for me as I am him. And even though my cautious friends, who seek to spare me another round of utter disappointment, don't get this love affair that's consuming my every breath, I know he's the one I've been waiting for.

And there is much, much more about him to come.

So not... the end.

~k

The Boyfriend

When I started this blog, I meant for it to be a forum for funny stories about all the douchey frogs we single gals kiss on the road to Prince Charming. And it has been. For me, for some of you, and for any of you who may want to share a funny story...

For some of us, it's also been a place for tales of woe, broken hearts, the slow steps moving on, and the fast pace of beginning again. After many arduous steps, I have begun again. And with a bang this time. I left everything that wasn't working on the left coast to start over on the other, and halfway there I met him.

There are many things I have and will say about him and how he makes me feel like I am the most amazing person in the entire world. And how I am doing any and every thing possible to make sure he feels the same.

But this is from the man who's stolen my heart for what I hope to be the last time, "...I have thought I couldn't love you more... But another day goes by and I do."

Rarely without a word to say, I often find myself rendered completely speechless by my boyfriend, whose honest expression of his own depth bewilders and inspires me.

He is the end.

~k

the pussery

long flights, a couple of ‘em in a row, give a girl a whole lotta time to think. and this particular girl, with so much going on, could use a little time to get stuck in her own head.

i haven’t slept in two weeks. it all started with the best wedding ever with a most unexpected pleasant encounter, followed by starting a new job in a new city whilst looking for a new mbs in a market of slim pickins, making travel and relocation arrangements from 3,000 miles away, all while learning a new trade and trying to maintain the old, and then paris guy…

before pleasant encounter, and in the midst of bridesmaid nostalgia, i sent an email to paris guy, admitting how much of a hole there is in my life without him. that maybe i was ready to reconsider my stubborn no-friends position. i mean, the blog fodder from such a relationship seems pretty close to priceless…

and just to be clear, we’re in safe territory for pleasant encounter or anyone else who comes along if he ends up bouncing. i’m a star. i’ve no interest in sharing my life with a wagon. my life is star-only territory!

paris guy emailed me today with a heartfelt barrage of pussery. for someone as self-reflective as him, i expected more. the gist of his email was basically that he no longer needed to feel any kind of regret for unilaterally ending our relationship and then not making any effort whatsoever to stop me from moving on. because.

wait for it.

i happened to be, coincidentally, and through nothing more than a sweet twist of fate, moving to the other coast.

de nile ain’t just a river in egypt…

and let’s face it, enough of us here know me well enough to know that i’ve a very low tolerance for pussery. i mean, this doesn’t change my position of wanting him in my life. i love him, there’s a place for him here. i miss my sunday morning buddy, having someone laid back and outside the circuit to talk to about social, political, economic, and current world affairs. someone who gets how deeply i wrestle with afghanistan and the israeli/palestinian conflict, and respects and admires my irrational personal responsibility for the affairs of the middle east. not to mention all the other at-home issues that plague my every day.

and it's so much more than just the politics...

but to seek comfort from the guilt of breaking my fucking heart by blaming it on something as asinine and unforeseen as the ‘better things he knew i’d soon have going on anyway’ is not a good way to go about rebuilding a bridge to my affections. and whilst it’s certainly not a deal-breaker, i am disappointed. and like i told him, i am not going to sit idly whilst he attempts to seek solace from his own regret without pointing out that he chose fear over hope, certainty over chance, and loneliness over me.

the end.

~k